Welcoming Another Child Without Resentment

My journey into motherhood began the same as most women's.  It began with the sudden realization that my period hadn't arrived in its usually timely fashion.  Then came the multiple trips to the calendar to count, recount, and then recount the days again.  This was followed by a trip to the nearest drug store, a visit to the bathroom, and approximately 3 minutes later my life had changed forever.  Eventually my little bundle made his appearance and my husband and I learned the true definition of sleep deprivation, mastered our gag reflexes, and learned to love in a capacity we never knew was possible.  A couple years later and the drama of calendar counting and drugstore trips played out again.  Once again a feeling of elation but this time coupled with something else.  A new kind of stress.  How would our firstborn take the news?  Would he be jealous of a sibling?  Would he understand?  Would we have enough love to give two children?

Flash forward a few years and we have three little boys running up and down our hallways.  As it turned out our source of love is a wellspring that never runs dry and our older children have never skipped a beat when welcoming a new addition.

So, how do you coach older children through the addition of new siblings?  You use the three R's: Relationship, Rehearsal, and Regard.

Relationship

This begins long before you start planning for subsequent children.  Building a healthy, supportive relationship with your children is the foundation of everything you do with them and will be key in successfully welcoming new members of the family.  Your child needs to trust you.  They need to trust what you say and they need to trust that your love for them is unconditional and constant.  Engaging in quality time with your children is the most effective way to foster positive relationships.  As does being consistent with what you say and do.  As does responding to their needs. 

The second step to "Relationship" is fostering a positive relationship between older children and expected arrivals.  You can do this by including them in the pregnancy.  Encourage them to be a part of the excitement.  Have family discussions about name possibilities, bring older siblings to ultrasound appointments and encourage them to ask questions.  Take them to your doctor's appointments too.  At my appointments my older children were given "jobs" during the exam.  They held the measuring tape, rubbed my belly with a towel to remove the doppler gel, etc.  Encourage older children to talk to Baby, massage your belly, and day dream about what fun they can have with a younger sibling.  If you read stories at bedtime you can ask them to choose two books.  One for them and one for the baby bump.  In other words, do what you can to engage them in the pregnancy.  By encouraging them to take ownership over the pregnancy you are encouraging them to take ownership of their new sibling.

Rehearsal

You could call this "Rehearsal" or "Role Play".  Either way it's about practicing having a baby in the house. You can start by getting a baby doll and playing with it and your older child.  Hold the doll with your child and show him/her how to touch a baby, how to talk to a baby, and how to care for a baby.  You can also practice what will happen to your older child(ren) when you go to the hospital.  Let them help you to pack their overnight bag if they're going to stay with someone else and, preferably, send them for a sleepover in advance to practice.  If you plan to have someone come to your house to stay with them, invite them over in advance too.  Have fun with it!  Children love role play!

Regard

"Regard", to be honest, was just the closest "r" word I could find to describe what can happen after the baby arrives.  By "regard" I mean to show regard, to show caring, and involve older siblings in this new transition.  This begins in the hospital.  Make their first visit to meet Baby a special one.  Make sure they get a first visit.  By inviting them to the hospital you can connect the dots for them between the relationship you fostered with the baby in your belly to the relationship you'll be encouraging with Baby in person.  That first meeting should be just as much about them as it is about Baby.  After all, congratulations are in store for becoming a big brother or sister as well!  We have been in the habit of tucking a gift for our older children into the hospital bag.  Then when they came they get to have that gift.  We've themed it around birth each time.  When our second was born we gave our first a baby doll of his own.  When our third was born we gave the older two dragons that hatched from eggs so they could celebrate the birth of their baby dragons too. 

In the hospital and at home encourage your older children to handle Baby (under your supervision) as much as possible.  Physical touch is the first way that we bond with someone (or something for that matter) so as important as skin-to-skin time and breastfeeding is to you bonding with Baby, it's just as important for touch to help bond siblings to Baby.  Encourage them to stroke baby's cheek and hand, to play with those little toes and rub their little belly. 

It's also important to involve them in Baby's care as much as possible.  "Can you pass Mummy a diaper"?  "Can you choose a snuggly blanket for Baby"?  Don't be afraid to let them see every aspect of Baby's care, including breastfeeding.  Whether you breastfeed or bottle feed, feeding time is a great opportunity to show an older sibling that you can provide attention to both them and Baby at the same time.  Settle into a comfy spot, start feeding Baby, and read your older child a story while everyone snuggles. 

Through all of your new baby adventures do your best not to use the word "no" with older children in reference to Baby.  When your big boy or girl goes to touch baby's head don't shout "no" and pull their hand away.  Instead, gently redirect their hand to Baby's cheek or tummy and calmly say, "we touch Baby on his cheek, not his head".  By switching from "no" to "yes, but" we eliminate the polarizing effect that teaching Baby's care can sometimes have.  "Regard" is about showing your older child how important Baby is and reinforcing how important they are in your (not so little anymore) family they are too.

So, remember the three R's:  Relationship.  Rehearsal.  Regard.

Your assignment this week?  Find a creative way to foster your relationship with each of your children.  If you have more than one child, find some quality time to set aside for each of them, just with you.  Do the same if you only have one child.  If you are pregnant, slip away by yourself to reflect on the little life inside of you, dream about their future, and whisper your hopes to them.  Then, if you're comfortable, share what you did with us here.  Happy Parenting!!

Northern Mom